WASHINGTON- In keeping with its recent trend of overruling state restrictions on expression, the US Supreme Court on Friday issued a controversial decision in which state-mandated restrictions on minimum driver age are unconstitutional. In a 7-2 decision, the conservative majority stated in its written opinion “..the act of driving, as a vital component of modern American life, is an expression of free will and thereby is protected speech applying to all citizens, regardless of age.”
Lawyers representing Nevada in the monumental Timmy Winslow v. State of Nevada had contended that children have not yet developed the maturity and control to handle a powered vehicle. Siding with Nevada were the Association of Pediatric Physicians, the American Automotive Association, AMA, several major automotive makers, the Department of Education, Nationwide Insurance and more than 600 national and state groups.
Winslow's attorneys had argued otherwise, citing myriad examples of poor driving by adults. “The state was wrong in finding that Mr. Winslow should be restricted from the operation of his uncle's station wagon on the simple basis that he is in 7th grade” lawyers for the Plaintiff had argued. “As a matter of fact, Mr. Winslow had safely transported his uncle from Reno's Speakeasy Bar & Grill on numerous occasions without a problem prior to the incident of 16 January 2010”.
Winslow's council was referring to the evening the boy was pulled over by a Nevada State Trooper on suspicion of driving without a license. “Some nights he's the most capable driver to leave that establishment” testified the boy's uncle, Samuel Winslow.
Across the nation tens of thousands of children took to the streets Saturday in riotous celebration of the verdict, though most remained on foot for the time being.
“Hopefully most of them won't be able to afford the insurance” said teacher Melissa Webb of Carson City Middle School. “Half these kids can't walk down the hallway without bouncing into a locker, throwing a book at someone, or spilling a drink down their shirt. And now I gotta check my rear-view all the way home to see if a carload of them are following my Corolla home with a carton of eggs?”
Said Justice Scalia in his writing for the majority, “While the state of Nevada may contend that citizens under the age of sixteen may be unfit to operate a motor vehicle, as the state receives Federal monies in part for the construction and upkeep of those roads this is clearly a Federal matter, not a state one.”
Implored Scalia “Has it not already been established that applying age as a banner metric for those qualified to use said public thoroughfares clearly violates the rights of free travel of those citizens, be they minors, seniors or otherwise?” He was citing a past verdict from the same state that forbade a maximum driving age limit (Nevada v. O. Fogie).
Justice Breyer contended in his dissent that (states) should be allowed to “balance the need for public safety with that of the rights of the individual.” Breyer's written argument took an anachronistic turn for the surreal however when it concluded ”..merely having played Pong in your rec-room as you and your pals drink Tab soda does not make one ready to compete at Wimbledon.”
The allowance of reasonable restrictions was not thrown aside entirely by the majority, as they contended this does not mean states may not continue to withhold licenses from those deemed unsafe or poor drivers. States could still require licensees to pass tests on visual acuity, reaction time, and knowledge of driving laws. Also required is a lightweight foam driving helmet for those under 14.
The verdict also didn't go as far as to guarantee minors the right to obtain commercial licenses, that matter would remain with the states, provided the commercial license restricted travel to within the state's border and to vehicles carrying fewer than 15 passengers.
“Today's youths generally have begun preparing for driving at a much earlier age than previous generations, particularly through the use of video games” added Winslow's lead council, Wade Intuit. “Besides cars practically drive themselves these days.”
“Good luck finding someone willing to lend them their keys though” said Intuit, nervously checking all his mirrors after getting into his Cadillac following the press conference. Even he admitted some fearful uncertainty of the new reality his team had just helped usher in. “I'm thinking of trading in for something larger, maybe a really large truck...(something) with lots of airbags. I've seen my son play those games.”
In related news, Tokai Online Entertainment Co. announced completion of a game allowing players to track down and brutally sodomize members of the US Supreme Court in a graphic, yet admittedly by most reviewers, satisfying fashion. Said a company spokesman “Definitely some artistic merit in there, somewhere deep we imagine.”
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