Ex-CEO Governor Deporting 1.2 Million Underperforming Citizens

Just hours after taking office, Florida Governor Rick Scott announced his boldest budget slashing initiative to date. Following a two month analysis assisted by consulting firm Price Waterhouse Coopers, the Governor has ordered that more than 1.2 million citizens deemed to be “under-performing” would need to be let go.


The Scott transition team had initiated the study immediately following his election in November. According to a press package distributed by the team, individuals were evaluated by criteria established by the former Columbia/HCA head himself. A range of factors were taken into account such as employment status, health, education level, criminal background, and annual income. The statement clarified that those found to be of “negative impact to the financial well-being of the state” were marked for expulsion.

Dismissing the outcry following his announcement Scott declared “I promised in our campaign this state needs to be run more like a business. That’s all we’re doing. This really pains me” lamented Scott, “but there was no other way to get this state back on a track to profitability. We really can't afford to keep running such a loose ship.” The governor also praised the plan for its additional benefit of slashing the state's unemployment rate.

Deportees would be later eligible for re-admittance if they dramatically improved their standings in certain categories or paid a hefty surcharge to the state Department of Revenue. Families separated by the act would be allowed monthly visitations, but at their own expense. A spokesman for the Governor promised such details would be forthcoming.

Those affected by the cuts would be provided with $300 cash, energy bars, a woolen blanket, and boots with fresh laces. By midnight dozens of buses had already massed in preparation for transporting the first batch of former citizenry to the Georgia state line. It is believed deportees would be escorted by well-armed members of law enforcement to avoid possible disruptive behavior.

Officials in Atlanta were not pleased with the decision, and there has been much talk in the neighboring capital of what to do with the sudden influx of more than a million people, particularly those with such questionable skills. The mayor of Valdosta, a small city just north of the Florida/Georgia border said that buses were being made available to shuttle the new arrivals further on to Georgia’s other neighboring states. Alabama Governor Bobby Riley said jobs would try to be found for the refugees in the highway litter cleanup or car washing industries, but stressed public tax dollars would not be used to do so.