Controversial pastor and local firebrand Terry Jones announced today his “Burn a Koran Day” was a hoax. It turns out the entire weeks-long episode was a stunt designed to promote his brother-in-law's Bar-B-Que eatery.
“The idea was hatched over beers at the Copper Monkey” said Jones, referring to a local pub. “You see, my brother-in-law (Stuart Berman) is a demon on the grill, you wouldn't believe what that man can do to a rack of ribs. Mercy!” The two had been mulling over starting up a small roadside smoker for years. “But there are a lot of Bar-B-Que joints. We needed a gimmick, something to really get us noticed.”
Gauging that many locals knew little about Islam beyond the fact they don't eat pork, the two decided to have a number of shirts printed that would read “Thank God you're not a Muslim, Enjoy a rib at Stu's!”
Jones admits the shirts were a little off-color, but thought them harmless enough. The real controversy began after the shirts arrived. The message had been mistakenly split across the front and back of the shirt. “No one could see the 'Enjoy a rib at Stu's' part unless you turned around” he lamented.
After taking to the streets with their new shirts, Terry and Stu were met with glares and rude gestures, he reports. “But a few of the good old boys gave me a thumbs up. And they'd be our bread and butter out there on Waldo Road”, referring to the rural stretch of highway where the two planned to park their mobile meat smoker.
“That idiot down at Smitty's printing started all this” said Jones, “but I know what to do when life gives you lemons”. After seeing the reaction he was getting, Jones decided to up the ante. “We never intended for the thing to get beyond the county border”.
An admittedly proud man, Jones says he was annoyed when he started receiving calls from all over the state demanding he cancel his plans. “The whole 'Burn a Koran' thing was more of an inside joke with our clientele”, most of whom knew about the shirt misprints by then.“We never intended to do it in the first place, but if some joker from Jacksonville thinks he's going to tell me what to do, well..” The rest is history.
Jones enjoyed “getting into character” with his Islam denunciations and homemade signs. Jones began to take the role too seriously he says, and was developing delusions of grandeur. By then he was often neglecting to even mention the Bar-B-Que at his impromptu rallys. “Here was a simple son of a pig farmer, holding an audience of international reporters in rapt attention” boasted Jones. Sadly none of the reporters covering his sideshow stuck around long enough to see him don his pig-foot shaped chef's hat and hitch the portable smoker to his pickup.
“Last night when the President referred to me, I knew this thing had gone way, way too far” admitted an admonished Jones. He and Stu have since decided to stick with windshield flyers next time they need to advertise.
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