Oh this is just great. I give every last one of those damn kids a candy bar, and one of them decides it would be funny to throw a rock through our glass storm door. Watch your feet, dear. Trick or treat? Oh this trick is just Hilarious!
Honey, where's the dust pan? And while you're at it, where's my baseball bat? I'll play ball with the wonderful little sprites!
Sigh...no dear I'm not going to do anything drastic. Yeah they're just kids, but dammit look at this mess! I pulled some pranks in my day, but this is over the top. Are we out of Hefty bags? What? No, Hefty bags! You know, the really thick ones. I think they're by the water heater!
Forget Snickers, next year they're getting a jawbreaker each. Those generic ones. Or Bit o' Honey, I'll bet those are cheap. No wait, trick gum! The kind that gets really hot. Oooh boy, next Halloween's gonna be FULL of tricks let me tell you!
Owww! Damned glass. Can you bring me a band-aid too, honey? I can see how that whole razor blade in the candy thing got started. No dear, I'm just joking. Jeez.
What do you mean the rock looks familiar? It's just a rock. You gave one of them a WHAT?! Holy mother of God are you kidding me? The grumpy kid with the flying ace dog and messed up ghost costume? You've been giving him one every year? Why not give him a roll of toilet paper and a can of spray paint while you're at it?
Talk to his mother? And say what? He returned the rock we gave him? A rock! Brilliant. You're the one that should be cleaning this up.
Um, have you seen the cat this morning?
In a number of states this election year, new security measures are being put in place to prevent voter fraud. Photo identification is now being required where it wasn't before, and a strict prohibition is being placed on voters with misspellings on their registration.
While these measures further ensure a voter is who they say they are, some are pushing for even stronger measures to prevent multiple votes from occurring.
A group in Georgia has suggested precincts utilize the same purple ink used in Iraqi elections to designate voters have already cast a ballot, yet they are quick to point out the method used there is far from infallible.
“All someone needs to do is bandage or even heaven forbid, chop off the colored finger and they're free to vote two, three, who knows how many times?!” said Jim McCreevy of the Georgia Board of Elections. McCreevy urges support for HR 22349 which proposes dunking voter's heads in a vat of indelible ink for 30 seconds after they've cast their ballot.
The ink takes up to two weeks to wear away and cannot be washed off with any but the strongest of industrial solvents. Voters are urged to wear old clothing or remove their shirt prior to their dunking.
Critics of the measure denounce it as just another attempt to alienate voters and keep turnout low, questioning how many cases of voter fraud even occur today. But the bill's sponsors including state representative Bob Abbott (pictured) say the tactic is a foolproof if somewhat messy approach.
“One man one vote, and that's it! Let's see them try to pull any of that Chicago-style 'voting' down here in Floyd County!” said Abbott after demonstrating the new Vote-And-Dunk method at a local precinct. “Sweet Jesus, does anyone have a towel?”
HOLLYWOOD- Executives at Fox Studios announced they have signed on for a new reality-based comedy starring Joe Six-pack and Joe the Plumber.
Americans were introduced recently to Joe Wurzelbacher at the third presidential debate on Wednesday. The plight of the affluent plumber became an Internet sensation after John McCain made repeated references to the aspiring Ohio businessman. Fox executives hungry for a hit and hoping to ride election year interest, have placed their bets on pairing him with an average, lazy alcoholic.
In a twist on Neil Simon's Odd Couple, the roles of the two protagonists have been reversed. Joe the Plumber has left his blue collar roots behind for the world of small business ownership. His hard-driving work ethic is sure to clash with his new roommate Joe Six-pack, a white-collar clerical worker by day and slovenly, suds-guzzling slacker by night. It's a dynamic the producers of the show say will keep audiences rocking with laughter and amazement.
The pilot starts with a hilarious segment in which the nouveau riche repairman tries discussing the laissez-faire market approach and a flat tax proposal with his couch dwelling compatriot. He doesn't get far though, as his six-pack buddy is immersed in Miller High Life and the final laps of the Daytona 500. The hijinks continue when a besotted Joe Six-pack wakes Joe the Plumber at two in the morning while racing their riding lawnmower through the back yard flowerbed.
Fox plans to release eight episodes starting in November, with more to come if the show is well received. Check local listings.
Just a few weeks from now election day will be upon us, and soon afterward slightly less than half the nation will be in mourning while the other half joyously exchanges high fives and goofy grins. If you backed the winning horse your path of celebration is simple- fireworks. Light fuse and stay back, plead the wrappers in vain. But what if you're on the losing team? Do you just sulk in your rec room watching reruns of Magnum PI, thinking your absence from the festivities makes its own statement? Of course not, you need an anti-celebration! Something that says “Yeah I gotta live with it, but I don't gotta be happy about it.” And I've got just the ticket for you.
So what's a fun and fairly benign way to vent frustration at your government or someone else's? How do you show a sniveling CEO you've got their number? I'm talking about the red hot phenomenon that's sweeping the globe- the ancient and noble art of effigy burning!
The first step of course is to get your effigy. Depending on your locale this can be as easy as placing an order with your local effigysmith. In some countries effigy-making is a cottage industry, employing a considerable hunk of the local citizenry. If you're not so fortunate to have such such skilled artisans at your disposal, or you just want to try your hand at handcrafting one yourself, you've come to the right place. Understand that there's a lot more to building an effigy than stapling a sheet to a 2x4 and slapping on some acrylic paint. For an effigy to be a solid performer you'll need sturdy construction and an artistic hand. But don't worry, it's easier than you think!
Your effigy should be free-standing. As cool as you might imagine it would be to wave a burning figure over your head, if there are any synthetic clothes on your figure, it's sure to drop flaming meteors onto anyone unfortunate enough to be under it. Nothing kills a gathering quite like molten polyester in your hair. Also, stuff your effigy with rags rather than newspapers. Newspapers burn too quickly and too messily- the soot can be a nightmare to clean up. For an extra kick of excitement, sprinkle the inner layers with a light dusting of gunpowder. Maybe some M-80's if you're feeling bold. The sudden flash of heat and excitement really gets everyone's attention.
Your next consideration is durability. How long do you want your effigy to burn? Will you and your friends have all afternoon to linger in protest, or do you expect security forces to quickly come down hard on you and your discontented friends? As a rule denim burns longer than linen though not as brilliantly, so dress your dummy accordingly. Your local thrift shop is a gold mine of cheap costume possibilities. If the source of your ire is a Wall Streeter, you can pick up a thread-worn pinstripe from the Salvation Army for a song. For once size doesn't matter! Beat the Halloween rush and get your clothing now.
The most important consideration is your villain's face. You want everyone to recognize the inspiration for your tirade, so make it as lifelike as possible. You'll be tempted to turn it into a caricature but make sure it still bears a strong resemblance, otherwise you'll be reduced to including a named placard and nothing screams out 'amateur' more. Always remember there's nothing wrong with just photoshopping some simple horns onto a photograph of their face. I also like to treat the face with a few sprays of flame retardant, so it's last to go.
So you've got yourself an effigy and you're ready to party. Wait a minute, stow that Zippo! First things first. Let's talk safety. You're going to be burning stuff today, possibly stomping on it for effect. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a well-planned day of effigy burning end in tears because someone got caught up in the fun and carelessly got too close to the action. The photos you see of a burning figure being kicked and swatted at? The smart ones left their robes at home that day and opted for the Levis. Be one of the smart ones. The irony that Levis hail from San Francisco never stopped a Pakistani from protecting his leg hairs from an engulfed Uncle Sam, and it shouldn't stop you. There's no reason not to suit up!
Another important safety consideration too often overlooked is toxic fumes. While an engulfed cotton sweater isn't likely to rob your lungs of too many years of productivity, the carcinogens in that rubber George Bush mask are. Plus with today's wide array of accelerants, you never know what cornucopia of vile molecules you're going to encounter. Our advice is to use a mask. Fortunately you may already be considering one to hide your identity. If so congratulations, you're a step ahead and thinking healthily. Proper breathing protection is well known in more experienced effigy circles. Do you think those scores of Hamas marchers just happen to wear scarves over their mouths by accident? If they simply wanted to hide their identities they could have just worn pantyhose over their heads.*
As with anything there are some courtesy tips we feel it necessary to pass along. If yours is the only effigy at the protest, then you are free to burn it whenever you wish. If however someone else has already torched one, it is considered poor form to ignite yours until theirs has either extinguished or is no longer entertaining the crowd. Don't steal someone else's thunder, they worked just as hard as you did. And don't forget to wait for the media to arrive, so as many people can see your handsome creation go up in just, delicious flames. You did remember to call the newspaper beforehand, right?
Once you burn your first effigy, I think you'll agree there's just no going back to a cardboard sign with a swastika over your nemesis' photo.
* Also preventing this is a long-standing edict by cleric Mohammed al Great-gams declaring such disgraceful use of a female undergarment strictly verboten. Also declared forbidden in the edict- the proper use of female undergarments.
As if the specters of unemployment and outsourcing weren't enough of a concern already, now the animal kingdom itself is moving in on the service sector. Forget the vilified Mexican job seeker, everywhere you turn these days some “forward-thinking” businessman is abandoning the human workforce altogether for the cute and novel field of animal labor.
I'm not talking about your traditional concept of the beast of burden, conjuring up images of a mule pulling something through a muddy field or a pen of ravenous pigs devouring the remains of your latest victim. In the ever-expanding quest for new ways to separate fools from their greenbacks, the next big thing is definitely the animal gimmick.
From the moment man discovered that dressing a monkey better than himself and chaining it to a music box could buy his lunch, the animal gimmick has been a mainstay in the entertainment sector. Now the furry (and scaly and slippery) things are eying the hospitality and spa arenas.
It's times like this I wish we hadn't tried to pull the wool over our reader's eyes so many times because this one is true, unless BBC footage is being forged with alarming skill. It seems a restaurant in Japan is employing macaque monkeys to wait paw and tail on their esteemed clientèle, serving up hot towels and cold beers with more skill and finesse than Alex the Dog ever dreamed of. Not only can they fetch a Stroh's, they've mastered the art of the implied tip, gregariously sticking around until the fawning patron ponies up a soybean. But unlike most bartenders don't expect them to listen to your woes. You'll get little pity from a monkey whose highlight each day is a banana dinner and whose sole perk is getting to pinch girl's asses with no recourse other than some embarrassed laughter. Actually it's probably a decent life.
Needless to say, the unions are pissed. Not only do they work for beans, but few of these creatures can read the Fair Employment posters in the break room. Workers of the world, beware. What's next, monkey massage parlors? Those hoping for a happy ending should make sure their 'hostesses' have trimmed claws. Some will say monkeys have nails rather than claws, but this is a distinction I am not willing to make. If you're splitting that hair, chances are you're probably already wondering if they have it in Tijuana.
Once again truth proves stranger than fiction, as a spa in Israel is charging more than you would think they could to have coils of snakes slither over the skin of the tourists. The proprietor hawks it as relaxing, soothing and sensual. I guess it could be sensual in the is-that-a-snake-about-to-slide-down-my-pants kind of sensual, but it seems just shy of coaxing your puppy to lick off the peanut butter.
Or maybe snakes aren't your bag and you'd prefer a pedicure by nibbling fish. You're in luck naturally, this being the wacky world that it is. This Turkish export employs schools of tiny swimmers to strip the dead skin from the tootsies, to the tickled amusement of the tootsies' owners. No doubt Doctor Evil is toying with the idea of replacing them with baby piranhas, just for kicks.
I say we keep the animals in the forests, the oceans and steaming on our dinner plates where they belong. We folks have enough worries without swelling the workforce ten-fold overnight. Particularly when their only costs are a bag of nuts and an occasional de-worming. Who can compete with that? Consider this fair warning to those who've been told a monkey could do their job. Maybe they can.
Football is back, there's a cool nip in the air, and just a few short hours from now millions of expectant viewers will tune in hoping to see a train wreck. That must mean it's time for another drinking-based VP debate viewing.
Now I imagine Joe Biden's a good enough guy. But isn't it amazing that a man known for the occasional gaff isn't the one everyone is salivating to hear? For that reason, our buzz words will be Palincentric (sounds like a prehistoric epoch). We at the Bunker make no claim to be either fair or balanced. We just go for the easy, stiletto-clad laugh. And the escapades of Sarah of the Great White North have provided enough low-hanging fruit to feed every man, woman, and child in her state for a week. You have to admit that she brings much of the scorn on herself with all the “my town is smaller than your town” sanctimony and “cavemen raced dinosaurs” controversies. You know what they say about people in glass igloos, Sarah.
Anyhow the potential drinking words are obvious, and I'm sure are being echoed across the blogosphere by countless compatriots as we speak: moose, lipstick, helluva, hockey, small-town values, Washington elite, evildoers, ya know. Or feel free to compose your own list, ours is just an advisory service. But these jokes are already so overused I'm almost too embarrassed to print them. Such is the double-edged sword of such easily reached fruit. So in the interests of sport, I say we up the ante to include any of Marge's quotes from Fargo (script), even if it's something as simple as "oh yah?". Any of these command you to take no fewer than three drinks. And if by some miraculous crossing of the planets she somehow says "That must be your friend in the wood chipper", every drop in the house must be drained.
I can feel Admiral Stockdale turning in his grave.
