Proper Effigy Etiquette

Just a few weeks from now election day will be upon us, and soon afterward slightly less than half the nation will be in mourning while the other half joyously exchanges high fives and goofy grins. If you backed the winning horse your path of celebration is simple- fireworks. Light fuse and stay back, plead the wrappers in vain. But what if you're on the losing team? Do you just sulk in your rec room watching reruns of Magnum PI, thinking your absence from the festivities makes its own statement? Of course not, you need an anti-celebration! Something that says “Yeah I gotta live with it, but I don't gotta be happy about it.” And I've got just the ticket for you.

So what's a fun and fairly benign way to vent frustration at your government or someone else's? How do you show a sniveling CEO you've got their number? I'm talking about the red hot phenomenon that's sweeping the globe- the ancient and noble art of effigy burning!

The first step of course is to get your effigy. Depending on your locale this can be as easy as placing an order with your local effigysmith. In some countries effigy-making is a cottage industry, employing a considerable hunk of the local citizenry. If you're not so fortunate to have such such skilled artisans at your disposal, or you just want to try your hand at handcrafting one yourself, you've come to the right place. Understand that there's a lot more to building an effigy than stapling a sheet to a 2x4 and slapping on some acrylic paint. For an effigy to be a solid performer you'll need sturdy construction and an artistic hand. But don't worry, it's easier than you think!

Your effigy should be free-standing. As cool as you might imagine it would be to wave a burning figure over your head, if there are any synthetic clothes on your figure, it's sure to drop flaming meteors onto anyone unfortunate enough to be under it. Nothing kills a gathering quite like molten polyester in your hair. Also, stuff your effigy with rags rather than newspapers. Newspapers burn too quickly and too messily- the soot can be a nightmare to clean up. For an extra kick of excitement, sprinkle the inner layers with a light dusting of gunpowder. Maybe some M-80's if you're feeling bold. The sudden flash of heat and excitement really gets everyone's attention.

Your next consideration is durability. How long do you want your effigy to burn? Will you and your friends have all afternoon to linger in protest, or do you expect security forces to quickly come down hard on you and your discontented friends? As a rule denim burns longer than linen though not as brilliantly, so dress your dummy accordingly. Your local thrift shop is a gold mine of cheap costume possibilities. If the source of your ire is a Wall Streeter, you can pick up a thread-worn pinstripe from the Salvation Army for a song. For once size doesn't matter! Beat the Halloween rush and get your clothing now.

The most important consideration is your villain's face. You want everyone to recognize the inspiration for your tirade, so make it as lifelike as possible. You'll be tempted to turn it into a caricature but make sure it still bears a strong resemblance, otherwise you'll be reduced to including a named placard and nothing screams out 'amateur' more. Always remember there's nothing wrong with just photoshopping some simple horns onto a photograph of their face. I also like to treat the face with a few sprays of flame retardant, so it's last to go.

So you've got yourself an effigy and you're ready to party. Wait a minute, stow that Zippo! First things first. Let's talk safety. You're going to be burning stuff today, possibly stomping on it for effect. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a well-planned day of effigy burning end in tears because someone got caught up in the fun and carelessly got too close to the action. The photos you see of a burning figure being kicked and swatted at? The smart ones left their robes at home that day and opted for the Levis. Be one of the smart ones. The irony that Levis hail from San Francisco never stopped a Pakistani from protecting his leg hairs from an engulfed Uncle Sam, and it shouldn't stop you. There's no reason not to suit up!

Another important safety consideration too often overlooked is toxic fumes. While an engulfed cotton sweater isn't likely to rob your lungs of too many years of productivity, the carcinogens in that rubber George Bush mask are. Plus with today's wide array of accelerants, you never know what cornucopia of vile molecules you're going to encounter. Our advice is to use a mask. Fortunately you may already be considering one to hide your identity. If so congratulations, you're a step ahead and thinking healthily. Proper breathing protection is well known in more experienced effigy circles. Do you think those scores of Hamas marchers just happen to wear scarves over their mouths by accident? If they simply wanted to hide their identities they could have just worn pantyhose over their heads.*

As with anything there are some courtesy tips we feel it necessary to pass along. If yours is the only effigy at the protest, then you are free to burn it whenever you wish. If however someone else has already torched one, it is considered poor form to ignite yours until theirs has either extinguished or is no longer entertaining the crowd. Don't steal someone else's thunder, they worked just as hard as you did. And don't forget to wait for the media to arrive, so as many people can see your handsome creation go up in just, delicious flames. You did remember to call the newspaper beforehand, right?

Once you burn your first effigy, I think you'll agree there's just no going back to a cardboard sign with a swastika over your nemesis' photo.


* Also preventing this is a long-standing edict by cleric Mohammed al Great-gams declaring such disgraceful use of a female undergarment strictly verboten. Also declared forbidden in the edict- the proper use of female undergarments.