A Monkey Could Do Your Job!

As if the specters of unemployment and outsourcing weren't enough of a concern already, now the animal kingdom itself is moving in on the service sector. Forget the vilified Mexican job seeker, everywhere you turn these days some “forward-thinking” businessman is abandoning the human workforce altogether for the cute and novel field of animal labor.

I'm not talking about your traditional concept of the beast of burden, conjuring up images of a mule pulling something through a muddy field or a pen of ravenous pigs devouring the remains of your latest victim. In the ever-expanding quest for new ways to separate fools from their greenbacks, the next big thing is definitely the animal gimmick.

From the moment man discovered that dressing a monkey better than himself and chaining it to a music box could buy his lunch, the animal gimmick has been a mainstay in the entertainment sector. Now the furry (and scaly and slippery) things are eying the hospitality and spa arenas.

It's times like this I wish we hadn't tried to pull the wool over our reader's eyes so many times because this one is true, unless BBC footage is being forged with alarming skill. It seems a restaurant in Japan is employing macaque monkeys to wait paw and tail on their esteemed clientèle, serving up hot towels and cold beers with more skill and finesse than Alex the Dog ever dreamed of. Not only can they fetch a Stroh's, they've mastered the art of the implied tip, gregariously sticking around until the fawning patron ponies up a soybean. But unlike most bartenders don't expect them to listen to your woes. You'll get little pity from a monkey whose highlight each day is a banana dinner and whose sole perk is getting to pinch girl's asses with no recourse other than some embarrassed laughter. Actually it's probably a decent life.

Needless to say, the unions are pissed. Not only do they work for beans, but few of these creatures can read the Fair Employment posters in the break room. Workers of the world, beware. What's next, monkey massage parlors? Those hoping for a happy ending should make sure their 'hostesses' have trimmed claws. Some will say monkeys have nails rather than claws, but this is a distinction I am not willing to make. If you're splitting that hair, chances are you're probably already wondering if they have it in Tijuana.

Once again truth proves stranger than fiction, as a spa in Israel is charging more than you would think they could to have coils of snakes slither over the skin of the tourists. The proprietor hawks it as relaxing, soothing and sensual. I guess it could be sensual in the is-that-a-snake-about-to-slide-down-my-pants kind of sensual, but it seems just shy of coaxing your puppy to lick off the peanut butter.

Or maybe snakes aren't your bag and you'd prefer a pedicure by nibbling fish. You're in luck naturally, this being the wacky world that it is. This Turkish export employs schools of tiny swimmers to strip the dead skin from the tootsies, to the tickled amusement of the tootsies' owners. No doubt Doctor Evil is toying with the idea of replacing them with baby piranhas, just for kicks.

I say we keep the animals in the forests, the oceans and steaming on our dinner plates where they belong. We folks have enough worries without swelling the workforce ten-fold overnight. Particularly when their only costs are a bag of nuts and an occasional de-worming. Who can compete with that? Consider this fair warning to those who've been told a monkey could do their job. Maybe they can.