McCain Calls for Return of Hand-Carried Litters for Wealthy

Citing the need for reducing America's dependence on foreign oil and its mounting unemployment figures, presidential hopeful John McCain called for the return of hand-carried litters for the wealthy.

Once the primary means of urban transportation for the landed gentry, the hand litter grew out of fashion with such advancements as human dignity and Lincoln Town Cars.

Governor Palin has been traveling by litter for the past two months and says she loves it. "They've (Palin's bearers) got a hunger for success like the rest of us, why rob them of that opportunity? And you know, it's so much fun to just look out and see their little legs pumping. It reminds me of the dog sleds Todd and I get such a kick out of.”

Asked if he thought the carts demeaning to the carriers McCain fumed "Of course not! I love the four little Chinamen that carry my bulletproof cart! And there's no emissions, well usually not” he laughed, slapping one of the exhausted litter bearers on the back before stopping off for a final rally speech.

“Friends, through hard work our wealthier citizens have earned the ability to travel in style. If there are able-bodied folks out there willing to put in a little good old-fashioned elbow grease to get them from the airport to the Playboy club, what's the problem?”