CRAWFORD, Texas- The namesake and founder of his newly created George W. Bush Foundation held a press conference in Crawford Municipal Hall today. The news there was big, as are many things in Texas.
As has become common with many retiring commanders in chief, former president Bush is creating his own non-profit organization. He announced the thrust of his brainchild to a hall packed with reporters and celebrant townsfolk. What follows is a transcript of the weighty proceedings as he declared he would personally be overseeing the removal of excess brush from America's lower class residential properties.
Bush-
“Good morning members of the media, friends, family, fellow Crawfordites. My thanks to Sammy's Big Bite BBQ for these great spare ribs. Hope everyone enjoyed them. I'm told there's plenty more sweet tea. Be sure to have some, it's gonna be a hot one out there.
Folks, I've given a lot of thought to what I'd like to do for my retirement. You know, my spare time now that I have so much of it. America's been good to me so I want to be good to her, uh it. So I asked myself should I go the sickly route, with all your cancers and AIDS and ailments you see out there? Lots of bad stuff going around. Noble work, but a lot of folks are doing that already, and I don't know much about germs. Or maybe I'd build things for the homeless. I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty you know, but y'all already got Jimmy Carter doing that. And my Daddy likes him now.
What I'm gonna do, what my Foundation's gonna do, is say you got some ugly brush, some big old overgrown mound of bushes. Not me, he he, I mean the shrubs. We'd come out to your home, if you were the less fortunate, who might not have a chainsaw or the gas for that chainsaw, or maybe you're kind of scrawny or frail and we'd clear that brush away. Maybe you were just too busy to get around to it, don't matter.
By sprucing up the backyards of America, we think you're just gonna be more likely to go out and spend money at a local business. You'll take a gander out at the yard and see there's one less thing to worry about. Maybe then you say to your wife, 'Hey let's go out and have dinner at that new Italian restaurant where the Fashion Bug used to be'. Or maybe you'll decide to paint your house, buying paint from your local hardware store. Painting isn't much fun but it's always a great time going down to the local hardware store, isn't it? Laura has a hard time getting me out of the lawn and garden section. Maybe you'll get that new pickup you've been looking at. Or maybe you'll even decide not to have that abortion, since you now have such a beautiful yard to raise your child in. Who knows?
You ever seen a run-down backyard, one where the brush is just out of control? Or maybe some big vine is snaking along a fence and knocking the planks all off kilter? Puts you in a bad mood, don't it? Before you know it, there's a few torn bags of trash piling up by the shed and your brother's Fiero is sitting on blocks next to the swing set. I've been there. And if you're below the poverty line and in one of the towns we visit, we want to help you. Just that simple.
Maybe you left gas in the weedwacker all winter and it's kind of gummed up and hard to start? I might be able to fix that, too. Or one of my guys. I'll be doing it once in a while. I originally thought holiday weekends and such. But some of my good friends still carrying on the fight in Washington asked if I couldn't try to heal America's feelings about, well, past disappointments. What better way to show America I'm here to help than use what some have said are my best skills? It's kind of like Community Service I guess. But not like how the criminals have to do because a judge told them to. This isn't something I need to do, this is something I want to do. I want to give service to my community. That's a big difference you know, from Community Service.
This isn't some long range 'study' or wasteful Washington project you'll never know if it succeeds. We won't have to wait for history to judge if this worked. These are immediate results, easy to see and measure as progress. And I want to start delivering that progress for you now. Thank you, and may God bless America.”
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