NEW YORK- Federal prosecutors were frustrated a third time today when a US Circuit Judge denied a request that bail for Bernard Madoff be revoked. At issue was a report that the accused fraud had recently been smuggling valuables out of his luxury penthouse in the rectum of the Madoff family poodle, Murray.
Madoff's mail is already being searched in response to his sending more than a million dollars worth of jewelry and other valuables to friends and relatives over the holidays. The shocking new allegations originated after an FBI agent spotted an unidentified man in a black hat and suit scooping up the feces of the animal following one of Mr. Madoff's daily walks in the Upper East Side. After swiping the pile into a brown paper bag with his bare hands, the man reportedly climbed into a limousine and sped away.
Madoff described the accusation as “pure nonsense”. Madoff's lawyer Ira Sorkin refuted the charge, complaining to the judge “If my client had left the feces on the sidewalk he would have faced a citation for littering. And now you're saying it's improper to have his pet defecate in a prearranged location and have said excreta spirited away to a private office where it can be safely disposed of? What choice are you giving him?”
The most damning evidence came when the defense was confronted with a gold coin and a 2.4 karat diamond that had been unearthed from a pile of Murray's feces. The items valued at more than $30,000 were recovered by undercover officers in an attempted sting. Investigators wouldn't say if they believed the animal had been fed the valuables or if they had been forcibly inserted into the distraught beast.
Madoff explained that the offending gem may have fallen from one of his wife's house slippers, as has happened several times in the past. “That darned Murray just loves to gobble up anything he finds on the kitchen floor, the little scamp.” Asked to explain the one ounce Krugerrand, Madoff shrugged, with his lawyer arguing it could have come from anywhere, possibly already lying on the sidewalk when Murray “did his business”.
Judge Paymore was inclined to agree, apologizing to the inconvenienced Madoff and ruling that the defendant could remain free on the condition the Madoffs be provided the services of a dog walker, to be paid for by the city.
That's a Yorkie not a Poodle!!!! Where do the lies end, Madoff?!?
ReplyDeleteA friend commented that from 50B down to a measly Krugerrand he had truly fallen far. But I pointed out how many times he walked the dog. Every day.
ReplyDeleteYou could imagine him concocting a scheme like the POW tailings-dispersal team did in the Great Escape. Murray just needed to walk again did he? Plop! Another ounce of the shiny stuff down that same storm grate on the trail by Central Park Zoo. Oooh a conspiracy..
Area Dog Expert sounds like a title from The Onion. Strictly ceremonial of course, you'd still draw the same salary. Just once a month you write a blurb about dogs. Get new business cards, so there's that. Chicks would probably dig the title.
ReplyDeleteA poodle for this operation? Not very well thought out. Wrap a gold bar in a piece of cheese and my lab would have no problem moving several at a poop... er, pop.
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