Save the Axes!

The staff here at the Snowed In Bunker (myself) realizes the unique position we (I) are in to enlist the help of you, the devoted reader (both of you). If you’re a follower of that harbinger of all that is bleak and depressing- the news, then you’ll be fully versed in the fact that Iron Maiden’s guitarist was ripped off in Athens yesterday. A pseudo-travesty yes, but it gets worse. Apparently this was but part of a rash of thefts of unique past-their-prime axes. In Montreal the Stooges too, fell victim. On Monday a Ryder rental truck hauling everything from their stash box (I’m assuming here) to Mike Watt’s Carter-era bass went the way of the dodo. Montreal is fast becoming the Bermuda triangle of stolen instruments, with the band-jacking becoming their version of the Nigerian royalty email.

I sense a worldwide conspiracy at work. Most likely some white, thirty-something burnout has recently come into some riches, I’m thinking Powerball, and as we speak is constructing a Dr. Evil-style rocker lair in need of stocking. “Over here we have the spandex room. Would you care to see my Hall of Guitars? Muhahahaha!”

Has one of your rocker buddies suddenly started dressing all in furs or acting like Jack Black? Have you noticed any craigs list ads inviting 80’s bands to an industrial district for a high paying gig no-questions-asked? At this rate it is just a matter of weeks before Rick Nielsen is robbed of his trademark 5-necked monstrosity in broad daylight!

It’s probably too late to help Sonic Youth recover their instruments, who endured an eerily similar Ryder truck heist in the late 90’s. Surely those have already been stripped down to their chassis and parted out, destined for one of the seedy underground guitar parts markets. But if we as a community band together (that is the first and last pun ever to be committed to print at the Snowed in Bunker), maybe we can nab these villains. And collect some consolations and kudos in the process. Maiden is offering a signed tour jacket. My advice is to throw in a lifesize Eddie doll, or a groupie or two as reward to swell the ranks of the hunt.