DETROIT- Hundreds of fans, souvenir hunters and desperate looters descended on GM headquarters in downtown Detroit today. While their backgrounds were varied, their goal was the same: bring home a piece of history. And maybe make a few bucks.
Like the fate of so many of its automotive products over the years, the headquarters building was dismantled in record time while the remaining employees watched helplessly, some even joining in the free-for-all. One well dressed participant wishing only to be identified as 'Rick W.' showed off a marble sink he removed from an executive washroom. “Italian” he smiled, patting the fixture.
At one point in the afternoon police arrived to chase away the crowd, which quickly scurried into nearby alleys and buildings. “Once they see a building in a condition like this, they'll have it stripped clean down to the frame in no time” said Sergeant Elwood Barnes of the DPD. Sure enough once the squad cars departed, the participants emerged from the shadows and continued their labor.
First to go were logo items easily sold on the souvenir market, such as the front doors and conference room signs. Next went the office equipment, leather chairs, artwork, even coffee makers. Anything that could be carried was soon streaming out the front gate. Once the easily pilfered items were gone, the scrap hunters moved in. Many brought their own tools, and the sound of portable generators could even be heard echoing from within as they tore at the walls for copper wiring and piping. In a few short hours, entire floors were exposed as windows were torn from their casings for the valuable aluminum channels.
By nightfall even the emblematic GM building logo that for years had commanded a view from hundreds of feet above Jefferson Avenue was disassembled and spirited away by a team of what was rumored to be professionals, given the logistical difficulties involved. With thousands of experienced mechanics and engineers laid off throughout the city, such skills are readily available. The sign could likely fetch tens of thousands of dollars from collectors or museums.
Newly elected Mayor Bing said it “was a crying shame”, watching the mob tear apart what most consider the symbol of the Motor City. He then excused himself to help his assistant stuff what appeared to be a projector screen and an industrial-grade cafeteria food mixer into their city vehicle, ironically a Chevy Suburban.
The date of May twenty-fifth as you most likely are aware, is Towel Day. This author was in fact so immersed in his own Towel Day festivities that he completely missed the deadline and ended up posting this story a day late. But this simple act of sloth in its own way pays homage to the inspiration for whom the very day was named, Douglas Adams, a notoriously tardy penman. In keeping the true spirit of this memoriam to our favorite sci-fi humorist, philanthropist, and oddly prescient technologist alive and well, the management here at the Bunker has brought it upon themselves to add this addendum to the growing compendium of towel-centric knowledge.
Everyone wants to bury their head into a soft, warm wrap after scrubbing up, even as a guest in someone else's crapper. The worst is seeing just a single used bath towel at your disposal. At least with no towels you can broach the subject with the lady or gent of the house. But seeing just that single threadbare body towel dripping on the shower rod is a no win situation. No one wants a deep dry from some dampened rag used moments earlier on the host's crotch following his pre-party schvitz. Is that short, curly hair on your freshly rinsed cheek yours? You struggle to remember old 60 Minutes studies about which germs lived on which surface and for how many minutes. Or was it days? Thus begat our concept of the ideal towel.
One end would simply read “HEAD” in boldface. The kind of boldface that says it's not kidding. The other side would naturally read “ASS” in the same cautionary font. Keeps everything nice and straight before use. Know the terms. That's something that can instill confidence in a man to scrub down more often.
But then who's our host? The type to play a cute little gag on his unwitting guests? Maybe our roommate here has been using the presumed high ground of HEAD as a bidet sponge this past week, gleefully, often brutally violating its sanctity for his own cruel laughs at your unknowing expense? The HEAD end of this towel smells funny. Sufficed to say an entirely new kind of math comes into play if your host is a member of the desired sex, and is how everyone would soon come to describe as, “towel-sniffable”. A bad SNL skit if I ever heard one.
Despite their many obvious and critical uses, quality towels remain sadly underrated in this society. I've sometimes wondered if their low priority could very well be at the heart of many of the world's problems, like our dear departed Dougie Adams preached. All due respect, naturally. Little do I want to be known as the cretin who first posthumously referred to the man as “Dougie”, like some distant aunt that always sent him a fresh set of pajamas each Yuletide. More the admiring fan who did same.
They've tried everything else to solve our ills, and look at the potholes and dictators still laughing in our faces each day. Why not blow a few billion of the mystical bailout bucks on some fresh new towels for the masses? Don't forget to weave them of some sturdy old Dixie cotton. I can feel the wave of clean faces and souls already.
RIP, Douglas N. Adams
1952-2001
I was a boy scout. My son is a cub scout. I don't know what these kids are. Technically I know who they are- Explorers, the little cops in training. You've probably heard of them, I have. But I've never known anyone involved or truly cared to. I thought they were just kids that rode in the back of cruisers to watch cops break skulls, alá McLovin. Like hall monitors with a few more summers under their big shiny black belts. A recent New York Times article on the Explorers has me thinking differently.
There's nothing wrong with becoming a policeman, I suppose we need them. It's one of those quaint notions many of us grow out of when they see the pay rate, along with firemen, soldiers, and cowboys. It's one thing to encourage a young child that says he wants to become a policeman when he grows up. It's another to issue that kid fatigues, an air rifle and toss him into a training course on counter-terrorism complete with simulated poison gas and hostages. And all before his first pimple.
Of course it makes sense they do it this way, filling out accident reports or learning to sniff out white collar crimes on a ledger just doesn't have the same addictive cachet as storming a bus to “kill” a bomb-toting tango with plastic BB guns. Get them young, give them a thrill, swell the ranks of the Man. Another generation to address the previous' failed policies on substance use, international relations and border control. But listen to me, I sound almost pinko. What proud American wouldn't want his pre-pubescent versed in the intricacies of taking down a lookout before raiding a marijuana field?
Yeah sure, terrorism and border violence and all that can be a problem. Yet one can't help but wonder if we as a society are planting the poison seeds of our own overblown fears into the most impressionable. Do any but the most paranoid and jingoistic of minds really imagine a turban-sporting “terrorist” will be a likely quarry for one of these boys as was in a recent Arizona training?
Do we really want to address these ills by turning out armies of Dwight Schrute over-achievers too young yet to even hear a dirty word at the theaters? Let these kids get laid before setting them irrevocably on the path of crew cuts and authority trips. I for one don't want to be stopped by the smug future officer who first learned to point their gun and expect total obedience from the civilian populace at the wizened age of 13. Teach liberty and empathy and sense first. Then for those still itching to save mankind one misdemeanor at a time, knock yourselves out.
The title of this article is a bit misleading. No one in the Explorers program to my knowledge is promoting the tenants of the National Socialist party. Nor are they required to undergo any oaths of omertà beyond a rote recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. The Law and America are more subtle overseers than pledging your life to a leader on posters in every room, albeit not totally lacking in their own brand of sinister overtones.
United Russia party has its Youth Guard, Africa has long fostered the child soldier. Maybe it is in our own best interests to not fall behind in the field of brain-washed youth in support of the state. In this fair nation, humanity seems to be losing ground to the “yeah, but it's effective” crowd. Torture isn't wrong if it's “effective”. Letting the weak and destitute rely only on the strength of their bootstraps is “effective”. Mandatory sentencing laws are “effective”. Old ethical dilemmas are shrugged off as a luxury for simpler times. Of course times never become simpler, only our responses to them.
MEXICO CITY- Responding to reports of deep cutbacks in tourism, an industry central to Mexico's economy, this week Rodolfo Torres the Secretariat of Tourism announced a new advertising campaign. The television, print and Internet ads entice would-be visitors to experience the nation's beautiful beaches, extensive history and millions of inhabitants still currently free of swine flu.
The relative health of Mexico's populace is being touted as one of the key attractions of a visit to the nation. “The majority of the people you meet on your travels through our country will be welcoming, friendly and on the average free of debilitating fever and coughing fits” assures a soothing voice over from one of the television spots. Following a montage of fun-loving tourists enjoying beaches, pyramids and other scenic vistas, the ad ends in the new tag line “Mexico: You'll probably be fine”.
To placate the worries of over anxious travelers, newly arriving visitors will be presented a hygiene pamphlet outlining some common sense practices. “As a purely precautionary measure, visitors to some of the regions with higher than average reported cases of malady may want to soak body parts that may have come in contact with locals in a solution of bleach and hydrogen peroxide; it is also wise to ingest massive amounts of vitamin C, multivitamins, and Tamiflu. These simple steps will help assure a lowered risk of infection.”
Torres insists fears of contracting the illness are being overblown by the media. “Don't let fear of the unknown dissuade you from your travel plans. It remains much more likely you will be kidnapped.”
DETROIT- Hundreds of fans, souvenir hunters and desperate looters descended on GM headquarters in downtown Detroit today. While their backgrounds were varied, their goal was the same: bring home a piece of history. And maybe make a few bucks.
