Tuesday, February 24, 2009

U.S. to Return to Glorious Unsustainability

Today's headlines bombard the reader with grim news of record-breaking deficits, shutdowns, layoffs. Once staid household names teeter on bankruptcy. The phrase "worst since the Depression" has been hammered home more relentlessly than the times tables in a Japanese prep school. It's enough to make one downright worried about the future. How long before the whole place resembles some hell-scape reminiscent of some Mad Max era bartertown you begin to wonder. Take it from me, don't.

The Treasury Department, Federal Reserve, and Congress on behalf of the wishes of the President, have been working feverishly to spur Americans back into familiar patterns of wastefulness and short-sighted goals. With so many good intentions hard at work, is there any chance we can fail to regain our superior position in every measure?

Soon our overseers will begin shoveling, nay bulldozing stimulus funds into the economy like heaping buckets of coal into the red-hot gaping maw of Davey Jone's locomotive, in hopes that American consumers can rebuild our trade deficit to a scale only dreamt of by lesser nations. Such a monumental goal will require nothing less than the determined and combined spending power of millions of image-conscious, luxury-driven citizens, fearful of obsolete personal electronics technologies or being embarrassingly trapped in vehicles more than four years of age. We shouldn't be aiming to restore mere confidence, but hubris. I believe we are up to this task.

Before this crisis, we were living beyond our means goes the chestnut: saving too little, borrowing from foreign entities to purchase foreign goods, and funneling hundreds of billions of dollars annually to hostile petro-regimes. It is my sincere belief that such God-given excesses will once again define the American way of life. Skeptics worry that such living robs of our children. My answer is simple: won't our children have children? Who are these imagined whelps too proud to carry on such a glorious tradition? Don't punish the brazen antics of Madoff, embrace them.

This same way of life will benefit workers worldwide, as they harvest, mine, sew, and toil to feed our endlessly ravenous sense of want. Such gluttonous demand for all the world's idle resources will undoubtedly be seen as a selfless act of brotherhood, with the unwashed populaces of nations from Guatemala to Vietnam grateful to play their part as the cogs in our vast machinery of More.

With the introduction of tough new regulations on Wall Street, it will be at least several months before loopholes are found and exploited for the personal gain of a few, allowing more and more Americans to again imagine themselves in a prosperous retirement one day. By propping up real estate prices, it is hoped the speculative building booms that swept across millions of acres of unimproved wilderness like locusts in 7 series sedans can return large-scale developers to their rightful place, once more immune to the pesky red tape of zoning boards and environmental worry warts.

Americans should be encouraged to double or triple their travel, to better take advantage of the higher fuel efficiencies of today's modern cars and lower fuel prices. It's a beautiful country out there, you shouldn't restrict yourself to the shortest route home. Why not circle the block a few times to see how the neighborhood's doing? No antidepressant can hold a candle to doing donuts in an empty parking lot. Or why wait for it to be empty, if you're feeling bold? As oil prices hold to their southward trajectory, the length of NASCAR races might be increased to more than eight hours. Even more exciting, a new racing league altogether could be born. Maybe 747's circling hot-air balloons filled with topless cheerleaders, or tractor trailers burning raw coal speeding across an arena of artificial ice. I get goose bumps just imagining the wrecks. This is the land of innovation.

The lower ancillary costs of energy could have other positive developments here at home. People should take advantage of cheaper food prices to stock up on extra calories, adding to their layer of insulating winter fat. If it works for the bears, it can damn sure work for any red-blooded patriot. Leading physicians suggest the associated onset of obesity-related ailments could then provide desperately needed skiing vacations for leading physicians. Not to mention the bump provided for pharmaceutical companies in search of elusive quarterly dividends.

Some parties just don't want to end. And why should they? The world miraculously keeps buying our T-bills, kindly keeping history's grandest pyramid scheme afloat. In no time we will rise like an amnesiatic phoenix, order dessert, and try to figure out what the next hot market will be in. It will take innovation and wisdom to return us to the well-worn, candy-wrapper strewn paths of old. But with some sacrifice, we can finally get back to a lifestyle requiring no sacrifice.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Hands-On Museum of Highly Infectious Diseases Funding Threatened


ST LOUIS- At the newly renovated Museum of Highly Infectious Diseases, schoolchildren touring the facility Friday were gleefully unaware of the center's funding problems. Museum officials fear the scene of smiling eight year-old Jessica Albach playfully handling a magnified model of a smallpox virus could soon be a thing of the past.

The 20,000 square foot facility reopened last summer amid much fanfare, but now with state and municipal budgets stretched to the breaking point, the lack of public and private funding threatens to make it another victim of the ongoing financial crisis.

The facility features a new wing called "Plague Through the Ages". Numerous artifacts from as distant as the 14th century show the effects of bubonic menace on generations of citizenry. One wood carving depicts ignorant peasants enjoying a traditional 'rat race' as dying townsfolk can be seen piled waist-high in the background awaiting the weekly village burning.

One of the children's favorite pavilions is named "Ebola: Nature's Cruel Joke", which displays a colorful, albeit grisly series of wall-sized images documenting the decline of a cartoon victim, progressing from newly infected, to the first appearance of bulbous boils, and ending with the final, hideous expiration. Another exhibit documents Polio's mark on mankind.

"Should we not honor the ailment that felled one of our most beloved Presidents?" asked museum spokesman Les Avery. "Polio's role in history should secure it a permanent place in our culture." Mr. Avery is part of a movement in the medical community championing polio to be designated an endangered species. "Just because it's not as cuddly as a Panda doesn't make Poliomyelitis any less deserving of our protection" said Avery, referring to the virus' scientific designation.

The final part of the tour allows visitors to don Level-A hazmat suits to handle petri dishes of living specimens and view them through an electron microscope. Before the budget cuts, a few lucky attendees were occasionally invited to infect one of the spider monkeys used by the center for vaccine research.

Such hands-on learning exercises could soon become a thing of the past. "I appreciate the need to trim in tight budget years" admitted Mr. Avery. "But people need to realize that every penny lost has a real-world effect. We've had to cut back on inspections of the hazmat suits from twice daily to twice monthly. Twice daily was probably overkill, but it's probably better to be safe than sorry."

The museum is open 10-5 Monday through Saturday, closed on Sundays. Visitors are advised to bring a change of clothes as attendees' garments are urged to be burned as a standard precaution.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mutated THING 3 Omitted by Suess Editor


A little known character that never made it past the cutting room floor, THING 3 figurines are finally available for purchase online. Outside of a handful of Suess historians and die-hard enthusiasts, few have ever heard of the horribly mutated third brother of the red-clad Suess duo. Even by today's lax standards, the idea of a children's book character with a cleft palate, hunchback and lazy eye would seem questionable.

Despite much argument from the author, the decision was finally made to abandon the third less fortunate THING for the quirky but otherwise mutation-free 1 and 2.

"It's not that he (longtime editor Arnie Soapcheck) was opposed to depicting the handicapped," said biographer Nick Warren. "But I mean the thing had open sores and in one draft sketch, a colostomy kit. As avant-garde as some of the Doctor's work seemed at the time, that was just asking a bit much of the audience. Teaching children to welcome differences meant those that may have eaten funny foods or wore strange clothes, or liked to sleep on the roof. Not those with extra sets of fingers coming from their spinal column and an inability to ingest solid foods."

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Google to Map Every Room by 2012

SAN FRANCISCO- At a nondescript bungalow in the Pacific Heights neighborhood, a team of photographers has just finished their survey of 423 Laurel Street. Within a few hours, anyone with a computer will soon be able to tell just about everything about the place, from the color of the bedspread to whether or not the owners had time to do the dishes yet.

Google RoomView© is just the latest in a string of navigation and mapping applications developed by the software giant. A company spokesman estimates the interior of every house, apartment and commercial building in the continental United States will be mapped and accessible at the click of a mouse by the end of 2012.

Besides the monumental logistical issues involved in such a task, Google faced a myriad of legal and technical hurdles before finally starting the survey in early December. Now that the surveying teams are spreading across the country, they're discovering even more unforeseen challenges.

“The worst is when they want to clean up first” says Google team member Tim Hutchins. “Part of the point of the whole project is to capture the way people truly live, not an idealized version. We generally don't mind if you need a quick moment to get dressed, or to tend to a crying child, but we have a tight schedule to keep. I like to be in and out of each residence in under two minutes if possible.”

Hutchins says he's probably seen just about everything in the six weeks they've been doing the door-to-door surveying. “We once entered a room and there were two people (copulating) right there on the couch. It was shocking at first, but our training kicked in and we just remained professional. I don't even think they noticed us.”

Though some residences are harder to gain access to than others, most comply willingly. “People are taken aback by our presence when we first approach them, wanting to know why we need to photograph each and every room of their house in high resolution,” says Hutchins' teammate Stephen Brewer. “After we've explained the project to them, most are willing to allow our team in. Once they see we're just there to do a job, they want to be part of it and the operation goes pretty smoothly”.

But not all of the populace can be such a team player. Earlier that same morning, Tim said he had to resort to the blanket court order provided each mobile team. “Some old guy was refusing to let us in. When I explained what an exciting project he was missing out on, he tried to slam the door in my face!” Mr Hutchins and his two assistants are prepared for such outcomes, which he says occur more often than people would imagine.

In most cases it's enough to show a reluctant resident the court order and politely tell them they'll find everything perfectly legal. But on some occasions more drastic measures need to be taken. While technically not permitted to use force or enter against a home owner's will, the teams have a few tricks up their sleeves. One is a miniaturized flying camera developed at Google's Mountain View headquarters, in collaboration with the Department of Defense. At just under two ounces, the amazing device can be maneuvered with remote video control by a nearby technician.

“The FlyCams© are a real Godsend,” says Hutchins. Though it can be tricky to get them launched inside at times. “Sometimes we'll get lucky and a window screen is loose, but usually you have to convince someone to open the door and then flick it in. We've lost a few to angry residents swatting at them mid-flight, still it's safer than trying to sneak in yourself,” he admits. “Rumor has it they're going through 40 of the things a day down in Texas.”