Kim Jong Illin'

SEOUL- Following news that North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il has pancreatic cancer, more reports are beginning to make their way out of the hermit kingdom. Disputed eyewitness reports and hearsay describing the declining state of the “Dear Leader's” health have trickled out over the past two years, but the recent admission that the dictator indeed has cancer seems to have opened a floodgate of news.

Perhaps sensing a change in leadership being imminent, once loyal associates of Kim Jong Il have been fleeing the nation in droves, fearful they will not be included in the new power dynamic. Their stories have been startling. Though it is still impossible to verify their veracity, a number of analysts agree the tales are eerily similar to earlier reports floated by defectors and North Korea experts.

In addition to his weekly Brazilian waxing, the dictator apparently enjoys a daily enema administered by the current winner of the country's annual beauty contest. Contestants know that this along will be their only duty, yet ruthlessly vie for the title for the extra daily allotment of rice.

Another favorite ritual was bathing in the breast milk of nubile young mothers, performed ritually each morning in the presence of his ministers and close associates. Teams of “Divine milkmaids” are constantly milking the countryside dry as they search for enough donors to fill the 25 gallon tub he soaks in between breakfast and lunch. For years Kim Jong Il insisted the regiment was beneficial to his constitution, all the while swilling copious quantities of Johnny Walker Blue and eating pound after pound of imported lobster.

Anyone he felt had been disloyal or otherwise displeasing to him could face the hideous prospect of being Kim Jong Il's “chauffeur”. The victim would be forced to provide day-long piggy back rides in the nude for the diminutive leader, who would often ride wearing nothing but high heels which he would dig into the sides of his hapless “horse”, a blood red leather thong, and a riding crop which he wielded mercilessly. One victim that later escaped over the Chinese border still has vicious welts along his backside, along with fingernail marks in his shoulders from where he was clawed for hours as he jogged the streets of Pyongyang beneath his cruel jockey.

But the wild, curious ways of Kim Jong Il may be coming to an end soon. According to one former General now living in hiding in the South, the dictator has been undergoing regular chemotherapy treatments.

“He trusted me”, said the officer. “Every other Tuesday he would cry when he was told it was time for his medicine. Sometimes he would shoot at the feet of his nurses with a pistol. The Colt .45 is his favorite. But I would take his hand and tell him everything would be alright. Sometimes I would sing him show tunes to calm him. Afterward I would drive him home to his castle, dress him in his favorite pajamas and put on a DVD. Usually he chose Magnum P.I.”

Light has also been shed upon a rumored DPRK military biological facility known only as “Unit 260”. The secretive building housing the lab was first identified by satellites early last year and initial fears were that it was working on the weaponization of biological agents. But in a debriefing with the South Korean military, an oncologist turned defector reported the true purpose of the facility is to attempt to develop technology in an effort to restore the leader's beloved buffant hairstyle. Numerous citizen “volunteers” have undergone gruesome follicle experiments, often leaving their hair hideously tasteless and clown-like.

This makes sense, says a senior government official in Seoul speaking on condition of anonymity, given the recently smuggled photograph of Kim's balding, distraught figure. “Ravaged by chemotherapy treatments, diabetes, and a lifetime of poor health choices, his once proud mane has been reduced to a few scraggly hairs even Charlie Brown would be ashamed of.”

The depths of the dictator's ill health may be sinking even further than once thought. A spokesman for Italian fashion maker Gucci announced it had been approached by a shell business believed to surreptitiously acquire luxuries for the privileged ruler. Its request? Customized gold lamé adult diapers. “Though we were never told who they were for, the buyer suggested that the intended recipient was a powerful, proud man, and the use of flecks of real gold in the fabric was hoped would mitigate his humiliation.”

North Korean state media rejects rumors that the leader is incontinent, sternly warning that making such allegations its Dear Leader has been reduced to a piddling old man would be “tantamount to an act of war”.